


Happy Birthday, Agent Rossi

by BuffyRowan



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi, but really smut, it's smut, some emotion/good friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-27
Updated: 2014-03-27
Packaged: 2018-01-17 04:39:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1374202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BuffyRowan/pseuds/BuffyRowan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rossi isn't thrilled about his birthday party.  Derek changes his mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Happy Birthday, Agent Rossi

**Author's Note:**

> the math on Rossi's age is taken from his statement about how old he is in one of the early eps with him, with the math done to get to the year I actually wrote this. It's been around a while, I've just not been on AO3 that long, so I'm working to get all my stuff posted here. Slowly.
> 
> Also, did you know that 78% of all statistics are BS made up at the drop of a hat to sound good when you need numbers? Because that's what happened here ;-)

Dave looked up from his book, checking on his teammates. Derek, Emily, and Spencer were playing Scrabble on a travel board, Hotch was doing paperwork, and JJ was reading a paperback. He looked back at his book, making sure to sound casual when he asked Hotch loudly enough for the whole team to hear, "So what's this rumor I've heard about a birthday party next month?"

Hotch didn't even look up from his papers, "Since none of us were involved in planning it, I can't order them not to. No, I will not ask JJ to find us a case to keep us out of DC for the party. Just smile, say thank you, and drink the expensive booze everyone will buy for you."

Dave leaned forward, his tone warm and cajoling, "You know I hate big birthday parties, can't you do anything?"

Hotch smirked, "I already have. All thoughts of an 'Over the Hill' theme for this party have been quashed."

"See, that's what I hate about big parties. People feel the need for themes and lots of decorations. Give me a quiet dinner with friends any day."

Emily's tone was skeptical, "So it's about the type of celebration, not about the age being celebrated?" 

"Statistically speaking, 55 is a psychologically significant age. When surveyed 78% of women and 63% of men considered it to be the beginning of 'old age'. I haven't seen any studies that included any measurements as to the effect of being involved in a romantic relationship with a younger partner has on this perception." Reid hadn't even looked up from his tiles as he reeled off the information. He laid out tiles, "Off of your K, 'keckle'. With a triple word score that's 48 points."

Dave shot Hotch a look, cocking his thumb at Reid, "Are you sure he's not Garcia's first attempt at creating artificial intelligence?" Hotch shook his head, his lips curving up the minute amount that indicated a smile these days. Dave continued, "Anyway, it's not my age that's bothering me, it's the fact that my survival of another 365 days hasn't been a party-worthy event since I turned 21 and could legally drink in the United States. It's just not that big a deal. If Marilyn Monroe came and sang "Happy Birthday" to me like she did for JFK, I'd call that grounds for a party. Hell, I'd buy the first drink in that case. But otherwise, come on."

Derek looked thoughtful, then smirked, "What if I sang it to you, Lover?" He blew David a kiss, hamming it up for their audience.

"I've heard you sing. I'd still buy first round, but for an entirely different reason." There were some chuckles at that. Derek could dance, and loved listening to music. Unfortunately, the man couldn't carry a tune in a bucket with a lid.

"As a friend, I wish I could get you out of it," Aaron was serious, but Dave thought his expression was lighter than it had been. "But to be honest, I don't want to. Inside the FBI there are some hard feelings about us, agents that think we get special treatment, that this is a cushy assignment. They underestimate the effect of the cases and see only the fact that we use the jet, and have technology like the iPads. Agents /outside/ the BAU are planning the party, and they're inviting just about every agent close enough to Quantico to attend. We could use the goodwill."

Dave let his head drop back against the seat with a groan. He knew when he was beat. "Everyone will be buying me booze, you say?"

Hotch smirked, "Only the best, and I told them your favorite brand, already."

* * *

Dave sat back, willing to admit that the party hadn't been as bad as he'd thought. Max Ryan had shown up, giving them a chance to exchange stories of the old days when the BAU had been brand-new. They'd even shared a few stories about Hotch back when he was the new kid. No one tried to stick a funny hat or button on him, and the crowd didn't try to sing to him. Between that and the top shelf bourbon he didn't have to buy for himself, it was actually pretty enjoyable. No sooner did he think it, the lights dimmed and those standing closer to the back hallway started whooping. Rossi shot a dirty look across the table to Max as they wheeled the giant faux cake in. But instead of the stripper he feared, it was Penelope Garcia who popped out. A Penelope Garcia who'd gone completely platinum blonde, dressed in Marilyn Monroe's signature white dress. She put out a hand with perfect confidence, and two young agents tripped over each other and their tongues to assist her. He couldn't help tilting his head a bit, like every man in the crowd, trying to see what exactly was under that skirt as she stepped up and out. Once her feet touched floor, she was sauntering over to him like a true 50's silver screen vixen. He'd gone with the rest of the team to see her in the community theater production, but he had no idea what a great impersonator she was. She was Marilyn, down to that husky purr as she started in on the birthday song. As she got to "Happy birth day, Agent Rossi," she was sitting in his lap, their eyes locked together. She never broke character, but he could see the amusement and triumph in her eyes at his stunned expression. The whoops and catcalls were deafening as he wrapped her in his arms and swooped her for a modified dip with a kiss. Under the clamor she asked him with a saucy grin and a wink, "Worth having the party for, Birthday Boy?"

"Definitely worth it. Thank you, Penny." Dave made no move to remove his arms from around her or shoo her off his lap. He was happier with Derek than he'd been in a long time, but she was such a delightful armful, all soft and cuddly where Derek was lean strength that held him. 

"Penny?"

"Garcia's a bit formal, considering. Penelope is too fussy. But Penny? Penny is a sweet, sassy kind of name for a sweet, sassy kind of girl." Dave ignored Max and Aaron's smirks, enjoying the chance to flirt with a beautiful woman.

The moment had passed, however. She hopped off his lap, leaning over to press a kiss to his cheek while giving the table a wonderful view of a truly impressive cleavage. "You're a charming rogue, sir. But I shall accept your compliment. Now, Derek owes me a little something, starting with a gin and tonic."

Dave watched her walk away, hypnotized by the way the swing of her skirt emphasized the sway of her ass. She and Derek stood talking together for a while, glancing over at him once. If it had been before the party, Dave would have been worried about the two of them conspiring, but since the party was in full swing, he wasn't too worried. Dave turned his attention back towards his friends at the table. Ten minutes later, Dave fought not to react when Derek bent over his shoulder to whisper hotly, "Just 45 minutes, Lover. Then I'm taking you home and giving you a /special/ birthday treat." Derek was off to torment Reid before Dave could answer. 

Max laughed, "Finally met someone with more charm than you, eh, Dave?"

Dave just smirked, "Jealous?" An agent he knew vaguely from the floor below their offices came past to offer birthday wishes, and the party moved on. Dave sipped his bourbon with one eye on the time. 

* * *

Dave lead the way in through the house, only to stop short in the bedroom doorway. Penelope Garcia was curled up on the bed, apparently waiting for them. He stood frozen as she got up and walked towards him, a sultry look on her face and sexy slink to her walk. She'd already kicked off her shoes, so she only came up to his shoulder as she moved in close, close enough that her breasts brushed his chest with every breath. She took his hands and pulled his arms around her waist, her red lipstick shining lusciously in the dim light. She looked up at him through her lashes with a sexy smirk, "Ready to unwrap a special present, Birthday Boy?" Her voice was husky and soft, bringing to mind old fantasies of Marlene Deitrich from his youth. Through the fog of hormones and alcohol an insistent thought about why he should be resisting the hands that slid up his chest to tickle the nape of his neck kept pestering him. That thought died a quick, violent death as Derek's familiar arms wrapped around his waist from behind, pulling him tight against his lover's chest. Dave moaned at the feel of Derek's hard cock against his ass. Then Derek's lips and breath were tickling his ear as he whispered, "Babygirl's got you mesmerized, Lover. You just can't stop staring at those luscious lips of hers." Dave watched those wet, red lips open on a gasp when his hands curved over her ass, jerking her hips against his as the sibilants hissed electricity down his spine and into his cock. "You know you want to see those lips wrapped around your cock. Or maybe you'd rather get something special, something I can't do for you, like having her jerk you off with those pretty titties."

Dave couldn't hold back the moan as his hips jerked forward, humping Penny as Derek's words painted vivid images in his mind. Not that the images were new, per say. He was monogamous, not dead, and he'd been a breast man when he pursued women. Of all the women at Quantico, few could rival Penny's perfect combination of size, shape, and presentation. But both options Derek described were getting enthusiastic reception from the head currently in control, with no particular preference. 

Dave didn't realize he'd closed his eyes until the feel of Penny pressed flush along his body and the press of her lips on his ambushed his nervous system. This was no dainty kiss, either. This was wet, sloppy, tongues-in-each-others-throats, exclusively oral sex. After a year of being with Derek, the feel and taste of lipstick on his partner's mouth was almost as unfamiliar as his first time, the nearly-forgotten sensation adding to the sexual spell holding him in thrall.

When Penny broke the kiss Dave didn't have time to protest, Derek turned his head so that he could take his mouth in an aggressive kiss, demanding the taste of her in Dave's mouth, alpha male marking his territory. Dave broke the kiss, his head spinning a little. Any thought he'd had about catching his breath fled at the sight of Penny kneeling in front of him, licking her lips while Derek unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, carefully pushing slacks and briefs down his thighs. Derek cupped Dave's balls in one hand, slowly jacking him with the other, making sure to run his palm over the head, smearing precum down his length. Derek's hand stopped at the base, his tight grip a living cock ring stopping Dave's orgasm as he offered her Dave's dick. "Want a taste, Babygirl?"

"Mmm, you know it, Handsome." Her grin turned impish, "How many licks does it take to make David Rossi lose his mind?" David, himself, might never know, because his mind was already swimming. The blowjob was innocent and playful, Penny licking him all over, then taking just the head in , sucking lightly and twirling her tongue around him like a kid with a popsicle. Derek's hands were still busy, the one rolling and gently tugging his balls while the other rubbed the base of his cock where Penny's tongue wasn't playing. Dave couldn't think, couldn't even concentrate enough to remain standing, all his attention was on the hands and the tongue. He didn't realize how much he was leaning on Derek until his lover removed the hand playing with his balls to run fingers through Penny's hair.

"Have a heart, Momma. Let the man get comfortable before you rock his world," Derek motioned for her to stand up.

She pouted, but relented, "But I was having so much fun." She giggled as Derek pulled her in for a deep kiss, angling their faces to make sure Dave would have a good view of it. Dave couldn't vocalize his appreciation for the erotic sight before him, but he did manage to find coordination and body control enough to make his opinion plain. Penny didn't notice when he lowered the zipper on her dress, but she did notice Dave's effortless one-snap opening of her bra clasp. She pulled back with a grin, "Is that a hint, Agent Rossi?"

Finally, he found his voice, "Fuck, yes. Bed. Now."

Dave gave up words after that, because Penny simply smiled and shrugged out of the dress and bra, leaving her panties, stockings, and garters. When she turned and walked to the bed, Dave couldn't tear his eyes off her ass, or help but notice that the panties were on /over/ the stockings. Not just sexy, she thought ahead, too, everything a man could wish for. Dave did manage to spare a thought wondering what the hell that jackass Kevin had been thinking to throw away a woman like Penny. And then his ability to think was gone again as Penny dropped her panties with a wicked shimmy of her hips and crawled up on the bed. She rolled to lay on her back, legs parted just enough to tease, and crooked her finger in a come-hither motion. 

Derek's hands had been busy as they moved towards the bed, systematically stripping Dave of his clothes. Once he was completely nude, Derek gave him a little push towards the bed, "Anything you want to do, tonight, Lover. Enjoy yourself."

"I don't know where to start," Dave whispered hoarsely. But Derek was right, the novelty of sex with a woman was seductive, and Penny's breasts practically begged for his attention. But Dave had enough presence of mind to have a little class. He started with another kiss, breaking it into a series of smaller kisses. Then he trailed kisses along her jaw, under her ear, down her neck. When she shivered and gasped, Dave remembered that Kevin had been clean-shaven, and he grinned wickedly as he made a point of rubbing his goatee along her skin as he kissed his way down between her breasts. 

Penny shivered as he licked and sucked at one nipple, then rubbed his cheek over it, cat-like. "Watch the beard burn, Hot Stuff!"

Dave chuckled, trailing kisses back up to her neck then down again to her other breast, "That's what scarves are for." Much as he wanted to draw out the pleasure, drive her as insane as she'd driven him, he just didn't have the control to do so. Instead, he focused on kissing his way down her body, not lingering, but in no hurry, either. Her soft, cuddly curves were completely the opposite of Derek's lean, muscled physique, and the novelty of being trapped between the two was stimulating. Derek was draped along his back, his hands wandering randomly in strong strokes over Dave's back and up and down over Penny's stocking-clad legs. Then Derek shifted, moving up past Dave's shoulders.

Dave looked up as he gripped Penny's hips, enjoying the sight of Penny and Derek kissing while the younger man fondled her breasts. From the way she was moving, Penny was on the edge. It didn't matter that Dave's memory of how to go down on a woman was hazy these day, he only got in a few licks of his own before she came with what had to be the sexiest little whimper he'd ever heard from a woman. 

Derek must have switched his attention from her mouth to her breasts at some point, because she began to beg as Dave continued his attention to her perky clit. "Ohgod--sogood--nomore--fuck--please--prettyprettyplease?"

Dave's cock jumped, but he had enough control of himself to look at Derek, "Since she asked so nicely, may I?" Horny he might be, suicidal he was not. If he accidentally overstepped a boundary, Derek wouldn't blame Penny for Dave's mistake. 

Derek smirked, "Only if I can get a piece of this," he lightly slapped Dave's ass, "While you do, Handsome." Dave knew he was grinning like an idiot as Derek pulled him close, licking Penny's juices from his face, then kissing him deeply.

"Dirty, kinky boy. Oral fixation, much?" They broke apart at Penny's words, the lecherous grin on her face matching well with the condom she was offering to Derek. 

"Oh, you know it BabyGirl. Now pass the glove and we'll make our boy a sandwich for his birthday." Derek's answering grin was just as filthy. Dave wasn't sure whether to be more turned on or frightened by the fact they were so in synch. Turned on won out as Derek slipped the condom on him and Penny shifted to welcome him between her thighs, the silky slide of her stockings and the rougher rub of her garters on his hips increasing the pleasure. Derek's hands guided him into her, Dave turned his head towards his lover, blindly seeking a kiss. Despite the awkward angle, he needed the grounding, reassurance that Derek really was not only okay with this, but actively participating. Derek pulled away and nipped sharply at his bottom lip just before he sank balls-deep into her. The welcoming clench of her muscles was softer, sweeter, wetter than Derek's body would be. Once he was in, Penny wrapped around him like she was part octopus. Her arms snaked under his, around his back, clutching him tight. Her legs were hooked over his thighs, encouraging him to widen his stance. Between his need to hold his balance over Penny and Derek's hands gripping his hips tightly, he could barely move, just rock his hips a little into her. Then one hand was gone from his hip and Derek was preparing him, the fingers in his ass being thorough but quick. Dave couldn't move, could barely breathe as Derek's cock replaced fingers, for fear of bringing it all to an early climax.

He was caught between them: Derek above, moving in strong, smooth strokes, his arms caging Dave and Penny beneath him; Penny was in constant motion. She was writhing sensuously as a snake, one minute her focus seemed to be on the rhythm of her hips, then next it was on the friction from her nipples rasping over his chest hair. He couldn't take it, it was too much pleasure for one man to endure. His climax hit him like a freight train, Penny's whimper and Derek's shout of completion following him down as he passed out from the power of it.

Dave woke up feeling sore, sated, and with the feeling of something missing. Derek was wrapped around him and snoring, two sure signs of fabulous sex the night before, and morning light was filtering in through the sheer inner drapes of the window. The question of who would've opened the heavier drapes was what made Dave look around, wondering if he'd dreamt the night before. There was no sign of Penny herself, but there was a folded sheet of paper on the nightstand. He moved gingerly to sit against the headboard as he reached for the note. It made him smile to see the lip print in that wonderful red lipstick over the seam, and as he moved to open it, a waft of Chanel #5 told him she'd spritzed the plain sheet of computer paper. Only Garcia could make paper probably pilfered from his printer as classy as personal stationary. There were only a few lines in her loopy handwriting: I had a wonderful time. Let me know any time you two feel like playing. You know how to whistle, right? XOXO.


End file.
